Once in a while, true comic genius comes to the fore. Step forward Gordon Strachan.

"The players have their own ideas about how the game should be won, but it won't be tolerated. I'll get less skilful players in who play the game the way I think it should be played."

''If you want to kill the Indians you have to kill their chief and we didn't kill Shearer.''

"I know nothing about tactics. I just get good players on the pitch who can run a bit."

I've got more important things to think about. I've got a yoghurt to finish by today, the expiry date is today. That can be my priority rather than Agustin Delgado.

"He [Alex Ferguson] used to play tapes of Bill Shankly talking. I remember that and a singer he liked. I don't know who it was but it was crap. He played it on the team bus too and all the boys hated it. Until one night it got chucked away. If he's still wondering who threw that tape off the bus, it was me. So maybe he was right and I'm not to be trusted."

Reporter: ‘What is your impression of Ian Dowie.

Strachan: ‘I don’t do impressions’.

Reporter: So Gordon, any changes?

Strachan: Naw, still 5ft 6, ginger and a big nose.

"If a Frenchman goes on about seagulls, trawlers and sardines, he's called a philosopher. I'd just be called a short Scottish bum talking crap."

Reporter: There's no negative vibes or negative feelings here?

Strachan: Apart from yourself, we're all quite positive round here. I'm going to whack you over the head with a big stick, down negative man, down.

Reporter: Where will Marion Pahars fit into the team line-up?

Strachan: Not telling you! It's a secret.

Reporter: You don't take losing lightly, do you Gordon?

Strachan: I don't take stupid comments lightly either.

Reporter: This might sound like a daft question, but you’ll be happy to get your first win under your belt, won’t you?

Strachan: You’re right. It is a daft question. You’re spot on there.

Reporter: This might sound like a daft question, but you'll be happy to get your first win under your belt, won't you?

Strachan: You're right. It is a daft question. I'm not even going to bother answering that one. It is a daft question, you're spot on there.

Reporter: Bang, there goes your unbeaten run. Can you take it?

Strachan: No, I'm just going to crumble like a wreck. I'll go home, become an alcoholic and maybe jump of a bridge. Umm, I think I can take it, yeah.

Reporter: So, Gordon, in what areas do you think Middlesbrough were better than you today?

Strachan: What areas? Mainly that big green one out there....

"Scotland have a system which is getting better, but it's players who win and lose games. Look at England. They have a system, but if the opposition players jump higher, tackle harder and shoot better, your system is in trouble."

Reporter: Gordon, Do you think James Beattie deserves to be in the England squad?

Strachan: I don't care, I'm Scottish!

Gary Lineker: So Gordon, if you were English, what formation would you play?

Strachan: If I was English I’d top myself!

"When he [Claus Lundekvam] was carried off at Leicester someone asked me if he was unconscious, but I didn't have a clue. He's always like that....."

Strachan was on Sky on Sunday morning. He saw John Terry's goal and said he was impressed that Terry goes up expecting to score. He contrasted this to Claus Lundekvam the Saints central defender who goes up for every dead ball and never ever looks remotely like scoring. He said if there was a dead body lying in the penalty area the ball would hit it on the head several times a season which he said is more than Lundekvam can manage. He said referees should book Lundekvam for time wasting every time he goes up for a corner. When the co-commentator said if Lundekvam was watching Strachan was only joking. Strachan assured him he was deadly serious.

"You have to remember that Agustin Delgado was virtually up against their youth team. I have never seen so much acne on a football pitch."

"Football hasn't changed from day one in that if you show an ability to control and pass the ball there is a good chance you will prove to be a good team. We also looked very one dimensional and I will have to find out why. That's all I'm saying - thanks for coming". The complete transcript of his post-match press conference after a defeat against Manchester City.

''It's probably the Samaritans - they normally call around this time" After his began ringing during a post-match interview.

"You can't get near to the officials, it's easier to get to the Pope! If I'm in London next time and I get mugged, I hope the same amount of people turn up. There were six police officers, four stewards and a United Nations peace observer."

"He's a big guy and to fall like that? My grandson wouldn't have fallen like that. I don't know how you face your mates after that. They say 'What did you contribute to the game?' and you say, 'Well, I fell like a big Jessie'" - After being asked to comment on Jardel's role in Michael Svensson's dismissal.

"Velocity", Gordon Strachan, when asked for a quick word by a reporter

Reporter: Welcome to Southampton Football Club. Do you think you are the right man to turn things around?

Strachan: No. I was asked if I thought I was the right man for the job and I said, "No, I think they should have got George Graham because I'm useless."

Reporter: Gordon, you must be delighted with that result?

Strachan: You're spot on! You can read me like a book.

"I used to drive home from Manchester United training along the M56 and there was a left turn for Wilmslow, where I lived, and a right turn for Hale, where Norman Whiteside, Paul McGrath and Bryan Robson lived. I used to say that it was left for under three pints a night and right for more.

After reports that the delectable Holly Valance was 'interested' in James Beattie. "She's not the only one, my missus is the same. I cannae ever sell him because the other players' wives, the manager's wife and the coach's wife will all be up in arms. I just want to thank Mr and Mrs Beattie for what they did 25 years ago."

"Society now is scary. It's a mess. Lack of fitness makes criminals of people."